At times, I lack a filter. Thoughts pop and they have nowhere to go and they just burst forth, half-formed, half-cocked, poorly-placed. I TALK TALK TALK and I stumble over it and how can I organize the thoughts? I gotta put them down.
Part of it though is I'm this responder. When I'm around other people and they say things my mind brews and instantly processes like fourteen different reactions trips all over itself getting them out. Why are they so fast? I am not good at processing. I'm not sure why I'm overeager, but I think it may be that I'm terrible at being inside my own head. External validation, maybe. Or just reaction. I don't trust myself to do anything useful with a given thought. Why do I believe every thought has use to others though? Well, obviously not EVERY thought, because I'm not completely socially stunted, but a lot of them.
Insecurity, craving validation, I'm not sure I believe these things. I think if I really did I would more careful with the thoughts because I have never believed all this expression does me any good. No, really, I think I must subconsciously be pretty arrogant. I mean, honest to god, I don't think I look down on others in general.
I am trying to assess here if maybe I'm actually an asshole who thinks poorly of other people. Who secretly thinks everyone is wrong so often and needs to hear it. Wait, why the fuck would I be so inclined to like, put my boss in his place? I know that's self-sabotaging, for one thing, but also, he's a smart dude. But the thing that sucks is he just takes so poorly to it...and maybe that's why I do it? There's never, EVER any consideration to my thoughts. I never feel like my opinion is valid when I disagree with him. Should I never disagree with him? I do on work-related issues, but again, matters of opinion. Where I get annoying is on matters of fact. I guess that's why it's correction and not disagreement. I don't disagree all that much, and am rarely invested when I do, and the times I express it he's generally more than willing to give me airtime. Why don't I shut up on idle stuff? Who cares if he's wrong about the size of Copenhagen?
Ugh I really need help analyzing my personality. I need to learn to take this stuff apart and understand my motivations because these things are frustrating. I hate pissing people off for things that aren't all that important. But man, figuring out what is important is the problem that got me here, isn't it? That my words tumble out because I have no idea which ones matter and maybe my gut reaction is that getting them out there is the best way to sort them all out and process.
How can I use writing to my advantage? My biggest issue is in the thick of conversation, so a lot of that solution is going to just be about learning some discipline. I get that. I can't write everything I'm thinking while I'm in a meeting, and I really can't write my thoughts when I'm in social settings. So first, practice slowing down and shutting up. Hold the thoughts. Try your best to find five minutes after every intensely engaging conversation to write down everything you want to remember and all the things on which you ought to follow up. You can even email it sometimes if it's social things, e.g. Kim where you have so many topics that matter to you and then end up spending an hour summarizing the plot of homeward bound.
Let's try it now. Next, plan your conference call very carefully early tomorrow morning.
