origins

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.
And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

I am inclined to scorn ideas of "who I am" or "being true to myself." Of the notion that there is some essence to any given YOU that is deep and unshakable. I am one of the least constant people I know where motivations are concerned. I have a personality; it is what it is, and hasn't shifted terribly much over my life. But I don't think my personality is particularly defining of who I am, and in fact prefer not to think of there being a definition of such a thing.

Few constants. I am young enough that it would be naive to label anything a constant, especially something as fresh as 8, 9 years. And certainly I'd never claim a movie or a lyric defines me. I have, however, been able to maintain the constant of being inspired by Hedwig and the Angry Inch since its release in 2001, and its expression has resonated with me over and over in that time. And the lyrics above summarize the world view by which I am motivated and the principles by which I live.

Nothing is preordained and no fortune guides my hand. Everything happens for a reason is a popular way to put it, but what I really mean is that I believe firmly in cause and effect. Things don't happen because they were meant to happen, but because something came before to move events along. To search for fate and wait for destiny is to waste time, and whenever I sit around hoping something will happen, I realize my life has flown by me leaving a shell of myself behind.

I do not believe that the course of each person's life is in hir hands, that one has control over everything. This objectivist view brings bile to my throat, so hatefully it is used. It is a slip of chance borne out in my genes that I suffer from anxiety and depression (and maybe more), and I am not to be scorned or resented for being vulnerable to their irritants. It makes accomplishment a little more of a challenge and it means I must make more effort than some, and that I must allow myself weakness, on occasion.

It's just that I've gotta stop looking for things that can't be found, and look inside me instead. Stretch, breathe, visualize, find clarity - find drive - find fulfillment. Maybe? It's all a worthwhile experiment, I hope.